The hardest part

The thing about letting go is that saying goodbye isn't exactly the hardest part. The hardest part is that time between your last few moments and the final touch. There's a bittersweet taste to the last few minutes because more often than not you spend it reminiscing about good times whilst a voice in your head calls you to the present time and you realise there's not much left. There's a soreness to the last touch because you don't want it to end and when it does, you're left wanting more (but can't) except all you can do is watch until you're left on your own.

08 March 2011. Yesterday London celebrated Pancake Day. Yesterday the world waved the vajayjay flag for International Women's Day. Yesterday, I let go. Again.

I saw her at the supermarket. Amidst the rows of all things bright, sparkly and the promises of guaranteed satisfaction, she caught my eye. There wasn't anything massively special about her, but there was a certain je nais sais quoi that drew me in. Perhaps it was the boldness of her simplicity. Perhaps it was how she stood out without having to do anything much. There was something extra special about her and I couldn't wait to take her home.

It was, indeed, love at first bite.

And she kept me wanting more and more. In the moments we shared together, I forgot about the rest of the world and revelled in our amazing journey. She totally blew me away. There was nothing quite like her and I'm stoked to have found her when I did. It felt like the universe actually heard my calls at an impeccable timing. I wanted to keep her forever but I knew the longer I stayed, the quicker it will be over.

The minutes passed by quicker than ever and I was absolutely, definitely, completely lovestruck and lost. In our last few moments together I had to take a step back for the magnitude of the moment to sink in. I was fortunate to have her even for just a short while. She smiled at me, as if to say it will all be okay, and the moment was just captured by her radiance and I will always remember her like this: sophisticated, fun, beautiful.

She was perfect.

And then she was gone.

With her I got lost but without her I am lost. I know I will see her again but I'm slightly at a loss in the interim. I feel like I'm waiting... for exactly what I do not know. Absolution and gratification, perhaps? Who knows. One can only hope. This I know for sure - I aim to be better. For her.

It's just 40 days. 40 nights.
Except it feels like forever.

Happy Ash Wednesday. What are you letting go of today?